Well that’s the way we’ve always done it.
Have you seen that episode of Grey’s Anatomy when George O’Malley’s dad get’s shot in the butt while they were out hunting? Chileeee…hilarious.
Well, it all happened while George went off on his family for making fun of him, telling the same tired stories, not respecting his accomplishments and truly, he never wanted to hunt with them in the first place.
George’s struggle with his family could all boil down to one word- boundaries.
Like George, you may have wondered how do you create and stick to boundaries with the people you’ve known forever, especially if it seems they have a warped or old view of who you are?
My recent podcast episode answers this very question and teaches you how to respond when you are tempted to say yes, but you know you should say no.
The Importance of Boundaries
Boundaries are vital as they serve as rules of engagement, essentially guiding how we want to be treated and ensuring mutual respect. While setting boundaries may seem easy with new acquaintances, it becomes more complex when teaching old friends and family new boundaries. Remember, boundaries are a way to maintain and enhance relationships, not necessarily to end them.
Starting with Prayer
Before diving deeper, let’s take a moment to center ourselves:
“Father, I thank you for your son and daughter on the other end of this podcast, whether it be a video or audio. I thank you for the words that penetrate their hearts and help them grow and thrive in their relationships. I thank you for teaching them essential principles today—namely, that everything in this world has places where it starts and stops and can be measured. Thank you for the boundaries you’ve set in the earth as a reflection of how we should live our lives. I pray that today’s episode helps them understand this better. In Jesus’ name, we pray, Amen.”
Understanding Boundaries
Let’s talk about boundaries in relationships. What are they? In essence, boundaries are rules that guide how we want to be treated. They are a signal that you want a relationship to last—it’s about ensures people respect you and that you respect yourself.
Internal Boundaries
Our first set of boundaries should always be internal. It begins with understanding and defining how you’d like to be treated. Family, particularly, often has preconceived stories about us that influence their behavior. These preconceived notions can hinder our growth, as they are based on old perceptions and not who we are becoming.
One significant realization is that our brain undergoes substantial changes between the ages of 21 to 30. By the time we turn 30, many of us have become completely different individuals, making it common to face relational challenges during this transformative period.
External Boundaries
While setting boundaries with new people is generally easier, enforcing them with those who have known us longer can be tough. It’s crucial to remember that it’s not your job to change how people see you. Focus on what matters to you and let your growth speak for itself.
Coping Strategies for Enforcing Boundaries
1. Self-Commitment: Honor your own word. If you set personal boundaries such as not eating after 8 PM, stick to them. By doing so, you strengthen your internal boundaries and communicate to others that you are serious about how you want to be treated.
2. Know Your Trauma Responses
- Fawning: People-pleasing to avoid conflict or abandonment.
- Freezing: Disassociating to avoid feeling emotional blows.
- Fighting: Becoming aggressive to protect oneself.
- Fleeing: Avoiding or running away from confrontational situations.
Identifying your responses helps you address the root cause of your fear and anxiety.
3. Practice Assertiveness: Learn to say no firmly and gently. For example, if you’re unable to meet someone’s request, you can say, “I can’t do that right now, but I appreciate the invite. Let’s find another time to connect.”
4. Prayer and Reflection: A healthy prayer life can guide your approach and strategy. Pray for wisdom and strength to maintain your boundaries without feeling guilty.
Overcoming the Fear of Rejection and Abandonment
Feeling rejected or abandoned by loved ones can make enforcing boundaries challenging. However, remember Psalm 27:10: “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.” This verse reassures us that we are never alone, and God’s love is unwavering.
I faced similar struggles, including physical boundary violations and familial estrangement. It’s tempting to believe that setting boundaries is a form of control. In reality, true boundaries are not about control, but about maintaining personal integrity and self-respect.
The Deception of Control
Believing that boundaries give us control over others’ treatment of us is a common misconception. Genuine boundaries are like fences—they protect what’s precious while allowing selective entry. Proverbs advises to “guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the issues of life.”
Final Thoughts: Join Our Healing Community
Healing journeys can be tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. Join a community of women dedicated to healing and growth. Visit insiders.heyletsheal.com for more support or check out my website, www.alexismlott.com/guide, for a dedicated journal guide titled “Forgive Them, Heal You.”
Remember, enforcing boundaries, especially with old friends and family, requires patience, commitment, and a willingness to prioritize your well-being. You’re not alone in this journey, and with God’s strength, you can overcome any boundary challenge.
With love,
Alexis M. Lott